The Lady in the Back Row

I’m a little disappointed. I spent a lot of money on a bottle of perfume recently, bought the large bottle thinking it would be something special, and it just doesn’t seem to smell the way it should. I’ve contacted the manufacturer directly and received a polite but unhelpful response. I’ve also complained to the shop where I bought it.

It feels like all I ever do these days is complain.

Then again, sometimes complaints aren’t really complaints. Sometimes they’re just people trying to be heard when something isn’t right.

On a more important note, I finally received a response regarding the complaint I made about the mental health service. I’ve been contacted and asked to provide feedback, so now I need to sit down and write a list of my experiences and learnings as a carer navigating the mental health system in my community.

As for the perfume, I could take it back to the store. They could compare it to one of their tester bottles and work out whether there’s actually a problem with it. But to be honest, I don’t know if I can be bothered. There are only so many things a person can chase up at once, and right now I have bigger things on my mind.

Despite my frustrations, I am also very aware of how fortunate we are. Mental health services are far from perfect, and carers often feel unheard, but at least we live in a country where those services exist. In many parts of the world, people facing serious mental illness have little or no support available to them at all.

So perhaps that’s where I find myself today — frustrated, grateful, tired, hopeful, and still learning that sometimes advocacy is just another part of caring for the people we love.

Worked today and spent some time looking at editing my blog and thinking about turning it into a book. You know, life is obviously just a little bit too easy at the moment, so I thought I’d give myself another project.

My daughter is still very unwell. She has a gastric feeding tube and still won’t eat or shower. The medication has been increased a little, so hopefully that starts to make some difference. For now, I’m just grateful that I’m able to get up each day and live my normal life while I can.

After work, I went and had dinner with the kids, which was a nice way to end the day. The lawnmower still won’t work, so I’ll have to take it in for a service. My washing machine is leaking, and maybe I should actually take a proper look at that considering I managed to fix my daughter’s washing machine yesterday.

The toilet is fixed. The roof is fixed, although I’m not entirely impressed because I don’t think the gutters were cleaned out properly. Perhaps he thought I was too old to climb up and check. It still needs painting, but that can wait for another day. Next, I need the insurance company to organise repairs to the wall.

When I got home, I ironed all my work shirts, put on another load of washing, had a bath, and listened to some music. While I was doing all of that, it occurred to me that it’s better than simply coming home, going to bed, and watching Netflix every night. Sometimes I need to make a bit of an effort to do things differently, even if they’re only small things.

It made me realise that maybe I should get out and do a few more things while I have the opportunity. Life has a way of reminding us that nothing stays the same forever. We get so caught up in routines, responsibilities, and the problems that need solving that we forget to make the most of the moments when we actually can.

Today is a bit of a mixed bag.

The highlight was getting to see my grandson, his beautiful little daughter, my great-granddaughter, and her mum yesterday.

It was such a joy.

She’s a beautiful little girl, and it was lovely seeing the grandchildren getting to know the newest generation of our family. Those moments are special and remind me how important family connections are.

Today has been one of those days where machinery seems determined to test my patience.

I couldn’t get the lawnmower started no matter what I tried. I drained the oil and still had no luck.

My washing machine is leaking, and then we spent a good hour or two trying to sort out my daughter’s washing machine, which isn’t working properly either.

Sometimes it feels like it’s always one thing after another.

Just when one problem appears to be under control, something else pops up.

My girl is still very unwell.

Her medication has been increased a little, and we’re hoping that might finally make some difference.

It’s hard watching someone you love struggle day after day, but we’re holding onto hope that the changes will help.

Tomorrow it’s back to work, so for now I’ll call it a day and hope that both the machines and life decide to cooperate a little more in the days ahead.

Today was the final day of the work week, which has always been my favourite work day.

There is something satisfying about closing the laptop on a Friday afternoon and knowing that, for a couple of days at least, the emails can wait.

This week has been surprisingly easy.

Not perfect, but easy.

After the last few years, I have learned that easy weeks should be appreciated when they arrive because they rarely announce themselves in advance.

I’ve split my time between working from home and going into the office.

One of the small joys of working from home is being comfortable in your own space, coffee close by, no commute, and the ability to get on with the job without all the extra noise.

The roof has finally been repaired. It still needs painting, but that can wait.

Not everything has to be finished immediately.

Sometimes getting the urgent thing done is enough.

The rest can be tackled when the time is right and the money is there.

The painters will be coming soon to do one room.

Just one room.

The rest will have to wait. Sometimes progress doesn’t look like a complete transformation. Sometimes it looks like one freshly painted room and a plan for the future.

There have been some small wins with my daughter this week. The kind of wins that most people wouldn’t notice but that mean everything when you spend your life watching, monitoring and hoping.

The concerns never completely disappear.

The need to keep an eye on things never goes away.

But there has been enough improvement for me to take a small breath and allow myself a little time.

And that has been the real gift this week.

A little less worry.

A little more quiet.

A little space to think about something other than what might go wrong next.

Not every week needs to be extraordinary.

Sometimes a repaired roof, a room waiting for paint, a completed work week, and a small break from carrying the weight of everyone else’s problems is enough.

Sometimes enough is actually quite a lot.

It was one of those cold winter days where everything seemed to move a little more slowly.

I kept glancing outside, hoping the rain would hold off.

With the roof finally finished, I wasn’t too keen on testing it out straight away.

Thankfully, the weather behaved itself, and I spent the day quietly hoping all that water will now do exactly what it’s supposed to do, run off somewhere else.

After work, I picked up my granddaughter and took her shopping for a rugby top for a school sports day.

A quick trip turned into a little outing, complete with sushi and hot soup, which felt like the perfect meal for a chilly afternoon.

Back home, there wasn’t much left on the agenda.

Just a chance to sit, relax, and enjoy the simple satisfaction of an ordinary day.

Sometimes nothing remarkable happens.

Sometimes nobody solves a big problem, wins a prize, or changes the world.

Sometimes you just share a meal with your granddaughter, come home to a roof that no longer leaks, and call that a pretty good day.

And maybe that’s enough. ❤️

The roof guy came today and got everything sorted.

It still needs a wash and a coat of paint, but that’s a job to save up for another time.

The main thing is it should be watertight now.

Next step is getting the insurance in to repaint where the water bubbled down the wall.

While I’m at it, I want to change the colour inside too, that creamy shade has had its time.

So picking a new one is on the list.

Easy day at work, nice for a change. Caught up with a friend who’s living overseas in her home country for the year, we had a lovely chat online.

Came and sat with the kids for dinner, they lit a fire pit to roast marshmallows, then home.

Lovely day.

Today was a bit of a sleep-in kind of day, which is one of the little joys of working from home.

The roof guy is coming tomorrow now, which was a bit unexpected because he originally said it wouldn’t be for another month. Luckily, I’ve been putting every cent I can away, so I think I’ll just be able to scrape through.

The next seven or eight days might be a bit tight, but I’ll get there.

It was a pretty average day really.

I went and sat with the kids and had dinner, pizza tonight , and then came home.

Now I’m sitting with the cat on my lap watching an ancestry show and having a quiet night.

Sometimes I wonder if my everyday thoughts are too boring for anyone else to read, but maybe that’s the point.

Life isn’t always big moments and dramatic stories.

Sometimes it’s just getting through the day, finding a bit of comfort, and having somewhere to put all the thoughts in your head.

A quiet night, and an early one

Up at 5:30 this morning.

It was freezing, about five degrees, I think.

Drove into the office, worked all day, then knocked off and had dinner with the kids.

When I got to my daughter’s, I sat in the chair and didn’t move for an hour and a half.

I just needed to.

When you work from home most days, an hour each way on the road takes more out of you than it should.

I had homemade ice cream that my daughter had made.

Illness is our normal now.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

She still won’t eat.

The NGT tube is still in.

Medication after medication has been tried, nine or ten by now. Even clozapine, usually reserved for treatment-resistant cases, didn’t have a proper chance to work because her body was too depleted to tolerate it.

What frustrates me most is that there has never felt like a clear path forward.

Every time something fails, it lands back with us to work out what next step to push for.

We are the ones asking the questions.

We are the ones chasing changes. We are the ones trying to keep a direction going when nothing feels stable.

In this last round, my daughter was the one who found the medication herself.

That stays with me.

Not because I expect every answer to come from clinicians without effort from us, but because it reinforces the feeling that there has never been a structured plan, just trial, adjustment, exhaustion.

Now I find myself thinking beyond medication altogether.

CBT. DBT. Something different from another pharmaceutical attempt layered on top of the last.

And then there is ECT.

It is not explained in depth.

It is not part of a clear discussion.

It is just placed at the edge of everything else.

Doctors raised it early on, I made it very clear in writing that it was not something we consented to or wanted pursued.

And yet here we are again, with a very sick child, desperate to be well thinking there is nothing else, as nothing else is offered.

What I cannot reconcile is how something like this is presented, not as a fully explained, carefully considered pathway at the moment she is most vulnerable and desperate to get well.

It leaves me with disbelief.

Because this is not theoretical. This is not abstract. This is a sick mother trying to survive.

Tonight, though, I am home.

The house is quiet.

There are no appointments, no decisions, no phone calls.

Just work tomorrow.

And I am holding onto that.

This small stretch of normality before everything shifts again.

Because experience tells me it will.

Had another go at trying to start the lawnmower today.

No luck.

I reckon I have either flooded it or it needs a new spark plug. Either way, it’s not mowing any lawns at the moment.

Went and picked up the kids.

My grandson needed another pair of shoes, so we headed to the shops, had some lunch and wandered around for a while before coming home.

At least it got them out of the house for a bit. I worry that they spend far too much time online and not enough time out in the world.

My daughter came with us but still sat in the car.

She’s still not eating and still has the nasogastric tube.

I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen.

There’s not much I can do except keep showing up and hoping things improve.

Tomorrow I will work in the office. I just sewed up a hole in my trousers to wear to work.

I also bought myself some perfume this weekend, I probably shouldn’t have done when I’m trying to save for the roof.

Thank you, Afterpay.

I was looking forward to it because it’s from the same brand as one I already love, but I am disappointed.

It’s a different fragrance and I can barely smell it at all.

Still, the kids got out of the house, we spent some time together.

Today started with me going outside to mow the lawn, but I couldn’t get the lawnmower going. While I was out there, I did a bit of pruning and moved a few pots around instead.

Not what I had planned, but still a bit of useful work done in the garden.

Later on, I washed the window and the curtains and hung them back up. It felt good to get that done something small but productive.

After that, the day slowly filled up with the usual mix of family time and home life.

My washing machine is dripping, the lawnmower still won’t start, there’s a hole in the roof I’m saving up to fix, and the bathroom needs a new vanity.

The locks on the doors and screen doors aren’t great either.

It’s not one big problem, it’s lots of small ones all at once, and that can start to feel overwhelming.

But I didn’t sit with it for too long.

I spent time with my granddaughter, just being together, and then later her mum picked her up.

After that I went down to my other daughter’s place, we went for a drive up to the shops.

When we got back, we had homemade ice cream and I came home with an order of Singapore noodles.

Simple things, but good ones.

Yesterday, I had a beautiful friend I’ve known for years who dropped food and flowers at my doorstep.

It meant a lot.

It made me think how lucky I am to have a friend like that in my life.

Even so, I’ve felt really exhausted today for reasons I can’t quite explain.

So I made a decision for self-care.

I put my electric blanket on, settled in, and I’m going to watch a movie on Netflix and just rest.

And then part of me looks at that and thinks, is this my Saturday night?

But maybe it’s okay that it is.

A quiet night after a full day, and a life that keeps asking for attention in too many directions at once.

So that’s where I am.

Not fixing everything.

Just pausing.